May 28th 2026
So I want to say today that I got an offer letter for a job that I'm happy with on the Friend Anniverssary with one of my Partners, Joe/Finch. I've been on cloud nine cause I've also received progress on a lot of my commissions today, saw the artbook Tourin and I were doing together, and honestly a lot of stuff has been giving me a solid reason to be in a good mood.

I told my partner that I feel like in a way he's my lucky charm and to be honest even if I dont see him or my other partners often I think I've been experiencing a lot of good things since being with them. Well here's to the future in a way and I believe this is entry 10 so I'll be deleting old entries pretty soon.

May 25th 2026
I've been taking a lot more naps nowadays. The con prep is basically done and I'm currently moving onto the next project.

Did go back to picking up code again during the job hunt. I've found myself going house hunting every now and then and seeing ...well I'm actually getting closer to the goal of getting my own house.

Though I feel like I've been saying this for years and I haven't moved forward cause I want everything to be just right. I have people I want to move in with, stuff to arrange, plans to make, and seeing as this generation and time is no longer the time of just doing it things will be fine when it comes to choices like that. I'm being extra careful.

My life is being shared with a few people now. Not me looking after other people or them just looking after me. It's shared and boy is it kinda intimidating to think about.

Whew.

Maybe I'll talk once more about it 5 years later

May 9th 2026
I have some pages of the art book to go. Thinking about it, I haven't felt like venting or complaining as much. I just don't feel like it at this moment. The only actual issues I have are things to do with job hunting, minor game stuff, and honestly something to do with my health but that's it.

There are new friends. I regularly go out and try to get to know people. And I've been keeping a lot more of the new friends and before I know it they're now old friends.

I get to see more people in person now. Funny how things work, we were online friends for a while and it's strange to know they're not that far away from me now. In arms reach. Here. To look me in the eye and face and just...know... It's strange really. I don't want to complain as much but I feel like complimenting a lot more now.

I think I'll delete entries instead of archiving them. Once I hit entry 10 I'll start deleting them I dont feel like going back in time. If anything what the 30s have taught me is that sometimes it's better not to. Nostalgic idealization has already taken enough of my senses as is, it's always asked too much of me and while I will cherish some things in the past.

What's the point of a past that erases the present? What's the point of a present that erases the future?

April 28th 2026
I'm sleepy. That's it that's the entry lol.

April 25th 2026
I high key forgot I was making an entry for this but I got embarrassingly affectionate.

I'm almost done with Shock Candy, I actually didn't expect to finish the game this year due to Eutony of Forever taking up a lot of my time and merch products consuming my free time as well. It's a purely self indulgent game that's linear and is more of a novel than a game per say. Still I'm enjoying the process so when I'm done I'll post it on itch.io and probably here as well so people have the direct download in the event shit hits the fan with itch.io.

Thinking about it some of my games are designed for the browser so I can possibly put some on a separate page here. We'll see. It would be really really funny though.

Right so merch stuff I have some sticker sheets and prints to make but I'm done with my bookmarks and a good number of my oc zine pages with a friend for the con in mid/late may. Another friend is dragging me into making some shirt designs for a maker fair. This isn't exactly the route I was expecting but it's a funny direction. Selling still makes me nervous but I guess I'm getting used to it. Sorta

Still got more interviews, graduation ceremony is also soonish, next week? Which is making me MORE nervous haha;;; It's weird to know I have a Master's now, I'm going to walk with some friends and family. I feel more ...how to put it.

Well regardless It's been eventful.

April 25th 2026
My current group of friends are a good group. Though I have several of them and I say this frequently like it's an affirmation. I feel like it's genuinely stabilized a lot more. I say this with a lot of affection despite all the problems in the past. Optimistically I feel like the current group is a bit similar to an appropriate terrarium.

I want to admit, once upon a time I wanted a friend group who was always there.

Who was always available

When I was in my 20s that was the case because loneliness was rampant and the world never stops turning and work was always a thing in my life.

Entering the late 20s and finally settling on the 30s I realize I hate friendships that are dependent on how available I am, how often I respond to messages, how worthless not being around made me feel because I had to work, or I wanted to do some other hobby, or I wanted to move on with my life. To be subject to that for years is vexing because the time period where that was comfortable and acceptable is past.

It does make me bitter thinking about it.

Because now that I have more people who are themselves, that no matter how strong my opinions or how I bitch about things, the friends I Have are solid individuals who can agree and disagree. That I don't have to read between the lines or worry about being too much of a specific influence that I don't have to have surprise! We're actually following your lead cause it's convenient and will blame and ditch you the moment you become inconvenient.

The grace I wasn't given from the past will not follow into how I interact with my current friends.

The grace in their characters from what I've seen and chosen to stay with will be what I refer to first and if that shoots me in the ass. Then that's my choice.

...I feel emotional about it...

Because the other day I did snap, I got pissed with someone close because they were hurting themselves. I get upset, I know. And in the midst of it they told me tell me more. Talk to me more. Bring me back more.

When it was over I asked why they said all that it was uncomfortable.

... They told me I get pissed when people pick on people I care about... and that includes the person in question. And I hold onto it. And I fight the very person the deeper they go down and it's explosive.

They wanted to hear more from me because everyone else will pat their ass and avert their eyes. They'll try to stay at a safe distance cause they're also a danger to everyone they care about and in that moment it feels like shit.

That I know the risks.

That I know the safe distance and choose not to stay away knowing that can always be turned around and used against me.

I got emotional because this isn't the first time you've told me.

But it only makes me appreciate you and the rest more.

Who have told me I was always worth the risk.

So once more this entry goes to my friends. Who I know come with risks, and unpredictabilities, and moments of weakness. Who I will always take those risks for because the grace they have given to my character and person, is something I want to return.

That it makes it easier to look for new experiences for the life I want to live.

April 22nd 2026
So there was this game I used to play called the cat's cradle. Used to play it all the time and I still do . Except when I played it today, I got my fingers tangled cause I got distracted by the string. I should sleep now, there's more interviews waiting for me and I'm getting tired of not having the energy to do the fun projects I'm almost done with. I wonder what's wrong with my hands sometimes, some days I have so much energy, other days I have almost none.

Maybe I should take another break. My fingers feel all tangled up.

April 21st 2026
I feel terribly lethargic. It's uncomfortabble but it's not as bad as when I was a full time teacher. I think it's partially cause I went back yesterday for the first time in old google hangouts logs for the first time in years. I couldn't find my old skype logs, but I was able to find the logs from 2014 and I emailed it off to a friend for safe keeping. Sighs.

...

It's been on my mind. The 'there are no perfect victims' quote. Thought really hard about it and realized 'there can be two victims and there can be a more sympathetic victim' and sometimes the decision to 'hurt the less sympathetic victim in favor of the more sympathetic victim' is actually kinda fucked up if you are neither of those victims. Or to give yourself the 'right to hurt the less sympathetic victim' by claiming you're a victim when you aren't. I think about those narratives sometimes and when I sit with the volunteers of the homeless shelters... I think about how some of these stories will never be read, because of how people treat victims.

In sweeping generalizations and black and white right or wrongs based on conditions set by the masses who feel they are right but are just perpetuating a system that strips people of their individual identities and life circumstances to make it clean.

I started out in a sleepy good mood, but now I'm starting to feel a little bitter. Cut that out, you don't want to feel bad for yourself.

Because I should never forget...just cause I didn't know doesn't make it any less my choice, to entrust my presence and conversation, to someone else.

That part is a choice and sometimes I'll simply pay for it regardless of whether the reaction is fair or not.

I should finish my game now. Maybe my next entries will be brighter, more tender and kinder.

Well maybe tomorrow I'll make another entry. I was told I was handsome today and I haven't processed it so I may think about that.

April 19th 2026
I was watching a video and laughed cause this guy was saying "is this the hussy-convention? did she change her pronouns to this/bitch?" and I laughed a little too hard at that. Later I used that on a friend during go fish and honestly best choice ever made.

The more I talk to other people the...less the online memes and shitposts feel... as funny. I dunno. It's still funny, but there was a time period where it was all my lexicon and sense of humor. I've been making up more words, finding myself in situations where if we walk and a pole is between us, I put my finger out and swipe it against someone's arm to go "bread and butter sticks the friendship together." I find myself in volunteer places bending down to one knee and looking up at someone who can't move sometimes because their eyes light up a little when someone gives them a form of respect that's beyond courtesy.

Thinking...

Ego sometimes loses to the modest joy of the light returning to the eyes of the helpless and apathetic. When they tell me that I am soft and kind, I tell them I am not. When they ask me what this behavior was, if I wasn't soft and kind then what am I?

I ended up saying I'm alive for once and being around them makes me tender because the way they smile, the way they say thank you, the kindness I experience in return allows me to be truly tender. And some days I think about how not being present here has robbed me of directly feeling, the equivalent of empathetic sunlight from the people who need the most care but still want to give what they can.

I am not a soft person. I don't tolerate a lot of things anymore and I can be inconsistent at most points because my life has led me through so many different situations that adaptability has become almost second nature. However... the one consistency I have had, despite the potential discomfort, fear, and painful situations I may encounter, the people I keep close and present are worth perservering for. They are worth trucking through every bad what if, every moment of anxiety, every single glimmer of doubt and hardship, because I feel the most alive being with them. I feel inclined to be kind, I feel like I want to work hard yet still care for myself, I don't ...want to die anymore to end it..., it was worth walking outside and saying hello and keeping things up because in turn that mindful interaction, the efforts I see, keep me so terribly alive.

... Even to me these words feel pretty. Unbearably so. Yet I can't stop feeling them because that's how ...people make me feel. I guess that ends the second entry.

April 17th 2026
I'm making a new website cause I didn't really want to write more of the game script. It's a little frustrating cause I hop from project to project and yank my teeth to try to finish it. Still, there are more complete things than not this year. It feels a little bizarre to find that given enough time and less people, I'm able to fulfill dreams and things kid me wanted.

I did look back on my first individual VN that I posted without collabing with my more experienced friends. It ... isn't anything like what I did in a group or with them, then again I had the benefit of having more than one person review stuff with me. I still cringe at some of the lines I wrote and didn't remove cause my friend who I technically modelled one of the chars after laughed so hard and went "yeah I'd say that to a homie." So all the cringe lines like swag something is stuck in there.

Though I feel like if I presented this again to them they would go "wow my dark past is immortalized in your VN." There have been several times where I was tempted to delete that stuff though and every time I try, I think. No you should accept that you made this and leave it here. Maybe one day you'll post another one and you can see the improvements.

My current game list is ok, they're not as impressive as my collab games though. I think it's cause I like the idea of impressing my friends more than I like cooking my own food or something. Well regardless, it's not bad posting under my own name for once. Sure I don't get acknowledgement from most people, but what matters is I get it from the few people I do directly link it to who I dont have to work so hard trying to talk to.

You know... I say it all the time and sometimes I regret saying it for certain people, but the overall when it comes to most of my friends. I like the way their words and kind gestures taste. I'm glad to have them.

Anyways this concludes the first entry. The most recent entries I'll put at the top or something. When there's enough I'll make idk more? I'm not too sure. Well, Maybe I'll keep it at 10 per page and then anything beyond that I'll put it in the archives that holds 20-30 entries. Depending on how often I YAP. HAHAHA