April 22nd 2026
So there was this game I used to play called the cat's cradle. Used to play it all the time and I still do . Except when I played it today, I got my fingers tangled cause I got distracted by the string. I should sleep now, there's more interviews waiting for me and I'm getting tired of not having the energy to do the fun projects I'm almost done with. I wonder what's wrong with my hands sometimes, some days I have so much energy, other days I have almost none.

Maybe I should take another break. My fingers feel all tangled up.

April 21st 2026
I feel terribly lethargic. It's uncomfortabble but it's not as bad as when I was a full time teacher. I think it's partially cause I went back yesterday for the first time in old google hangouts logs for the first time in years. I couldn't find my old skype logs, but I was able to find the logs from 2014 and I emailed it off to a friend for safe keeping. Sighs.

...

It's been on my mind. The 'there are no perfect victims' quote. Thought really hard about it and realized 'there can be two victims and there can be a more sympathetic victim' and sometimes the decision to 'hurt the less sympathetic victim in favor of the more sympathetic victim' is actually kinda fucked up if you are neither of those victims. Or to give yourself the 'right to hurt the less sympathetic victim' by claiming you're a victim when you aren't. I think about those narratives sometimes and when I sit with the volunteers of the homeless shelters... I think about how some of these stories will never be read, because of how people treat victims.

In sweeping generalizations and black and white right or wrongs based on conditions set by the masses who feel they are right but are just perpetuating a system that strips people of their individual identities and life circumstances to make it clean.

I started out in a sleepy good mood, but now I'm starting to feel a little bitter. Cut that out, you don't want to feel bad for yourself.

Because I should never forget...just cause I didn't know doesn't make it any less my choice, to entrust my presence and conversation, to someone else.

That part is a choice and sometimes I'll simply pay for it regardless of whether the reaction is fair or not.

I should finish my game now. Maybe my next entries will be brighter, more tender and kinder.

Well maybe tomorrow I'll make another entry. I was told I was handsome today and I haven't processed it so I may think about that.

April 19th 2026
I was watching a video and laughed cause this guy was saying "is this the hussy-convention? did she change her pronouns to this/bitch?" and I laughed a little too hard at that. Later I used that on a friend during go fish and honestly best choice ever made.

The more I talk to other people the...less the online memes and shitposts feel... as funny. I dunno. It's still funny, but there was a time period where it was all my lexicon and sense of humor. I've been making up more words, finding myself in situations where if we walk and a pole is between us, I put my finger out and swipe it against someone's arm to go "bread and butter sticks the friendship together." I find myself in volunteer places bending down to one knee and looking up at someone who can't move sometimes because their eyes light up a little when someone gives them a form of respect that's beyond courtesy.

Thinking...

Ego sometimes loses to the modest joy of the light returning to the eyes of the helpless and apathetic. When they tell me that I am soft and kind, I tell them I am not. When they ask me what this behavior was, if I wasn't soft and kind then what am I?

I ended up saying I'm alive for once and being around them makes me tender because the way they smile, the way they say thank you, the kindness I experience in return allows me to be truly tender. And some days I think about how not being present here has robbed me of directly feeling, the equivalent of empathetic sunlight from the people who need the most care but still want to give what they can.

I am not a soft person. I don't tolerate a lot of things anymore and I can be inconsistent at most points because my life has led me through so many different situations that adaptability has become almost second nature. However... the one consistency I have had, despite the potential discomfort, fear, and painful situations I may encounter, the people I keep close and present are worth perservering for. They are worth trucking through every bad what if, every moment of anxiety, every single glimmer of doubt and hardship, because I feel the most alive being with them. I feel inclined to be kind, I feel like I want to work hard yet still care for myself, I don't ...want to die anymore to end it..., it was worth walking outside and saying hello and keeping things up because in turn that mindful interaction, the efforts I see, keep me so terribly alive.

... Even to me these words feel pretty. Unbearably so. Yet I can't stop feeling them because that's how ...people make me feel. I guess that ends the second entry.

April 17th 2026
I'm making a new website cause I didn't really want to write more of the game script. It's a little frustrating cause I hop from project to project and yank my teeth to try to finish it. Still, there are more complete things than not this year. It feels a little bizarre to find that given enough time and less people, I'm able to fulfill dreams and things kid me wanted.

I did look back on my first individual VN that I posted without collabing with my more experienced friends. It ... isn't anything like what I did in a group or with them, then again I had the benefit of having more than one person review stuff with me. I still cringe at some of the lines I wrote and didn't remove cause my friend who I technically modelled one of the chars after laughed so hard and went "yeah I'd say that to a homie." So all the cringe lines like swag something is stuck in there.

Though I feel like if I presented this again to them they would go "wow my dark past is immortalized in your VN." There have been several times where I was tempted to delete that stuff though and every time I try, I think. No you should accept that you made this and leave it here. Maybe one day you'll post another one and you can see the improvements.

My current game list is ok, they're not as impressive as my collab games though. I think it's cause I like the idea of impressing my friends more than I like cooking my own food or something. Well regardless, it's not bad posting under my own name for once. Sure I don't get acknowledgement from most people, but what matters is I get it from the few people I do directly link it to who I dont have to work so hard trying to talk to.

You know... I say it all the time and sometimes I regret saying it for certain people, but the overall when it comes to most of my friends. I like the way their words and kind gestures taste. I'm glad to have them.

Anyways this concludes the first entry. The most recent entries I'll put at the top or something. When there's enough I'll make idk more? I'm not too sure. Well, Maybe I'll keep it at 10 per page and then anything beyond that I'll put it in the archives that holds 20-30 entries. Depending on how often I YAP. HAHAHA